A Steady Heartbeat
When I was little I had always given my parents a hug goodnight. I had given my mom a hug so tight that my arms hurt and I could hear her heartbeat. Then my dad. I went up to him and when I gave him a hug, I did not hear a heartbeat but a constant buzz. I had to be careful when I gave him a hug so I did not pull on his heart pump wire and hurt him.
We had found out when I was two that my dad had a heart condition named congestive heart failure. He would live with that for the next decade. In the beginning, he was only on medication.
A frigid and white Thanksgiving we go to the hospital in Minnesota instead of going straight home from Thanksgiving. My older sister and I had to go home with our grandparents that year and wait a few days for our parents to come back home. I later find out that my dad almost died that snowy night.
For the next few years, my family has been in and out of hospitals. My dad had gotten open heart surgery four times. I had taken time off school because we had to be in the hospital in concerns for my dad. Our family had spent Christmas in the hospital to be with my dad. My sister and I had thought that we would get presents from “Santa” and other gifts when we got home from the hospital but to our surprise, we had our Christmas morning in hospital chairs and with a faint buzzing and chatter in the background while we had enjoyed our morning.
In second grade I had become really attached to my dad and I would get scared and nervous when he was in the hospital. By that time he had gotten the LVAD in, out, and back in. I had faked being sick so I would have to go to the hospital and visit my dad with my mom. That year I had fallen really behind on my school work. It was tough to not have that thought in the back of my head when my mom picked me up from school that something had happened. I had thought that this was going to be a constant in my entire life and that there would not be any changes or that he would get better.
September 18, 2017, it was 9:46 pm and I had just gotten out of my shower and as I was about to say goodnight to my dad he was on the phone, his face was pale. He looked so frantic. I had decided to say goodnight to my mom, who was in another room. I walked back to my room wondering who called my dad. I was waiting in my room and at 10:09 pm my mom had come into my room to tell me that the hospital called and that my dad was at the top of the transplant list, and that there was a heart waiting for him. That day I do not think I will ever forget. That was the day that changed how I would stop going to the hospital for echocardiographs. Now things are ‘normal’ to where I have not been in a hospital in four years for my dad.
Being able to come home and not worry that something bad has happened with my dad or that he can not do certain activities because of his condition. I never worry when coming home that something tragic has happened to him and not worry about missing the last time.
I still remember not hearing a heartbeat whenever I gave my dad a hug. It is still strange with this new routine. Now when I give my dad a hug goodnight all I hear is his heartbeat.